Have you noticed yourself providing more help and support than ever to your parents? Are you finding it tiring and upsetting? Writer Christina Collison, who cared for her late mum for ten years, advises on providing the best care for your parents without jeopardising your well-being.
Sooner or later, it comes to most of us. As children, we were used to our parents taking care of us. As young adults, it’s common to continue to rely on our parents for emotional support and guidance. The balance shifts slowly when we enter middle age, and our parents become more reliant on us. As they grow older, their health may change, and they may need your help and support with daily tasks, including shopping, housework, and maybe even personal care.
As their child, it’s difficult for you to deal with your new role. You may have been used to telling your parents everything and getting them to help and support you with attending appointments, driving, or babysitting tasks. It’s hard to accept that things are changing. Even worse, if your parent has a progressive condition like dementia, they will become increasingly reliant on you for more than practical tasks, and you may feel like the parent instead of the child.
The role change can take some getting used to, and it’s not easy for either of you. While it can be an emotional challenge when the dynamic of your relationship changes, you have to accept the situation and find the best way to deal with it.
So, if you’ve noticed your parents are becoming increasingly reliant upon you, here’s how to cope and ensure you don’t get burned out and stressed.
Work out what help is needed
Firstly, identify what type of help is needed. Do you need to provide physical support such as driving, shopping, and housework? My father was physically frail in his latter years, but his mind was still sharp. This meant he was capable of making phone calls and handling household paperwork. However, his mobility was poor, and he needed help getting around. Someone had to shop for him, make his meals, and carry out jobs around the house.
My mum, on the other hand, had vascular dementia. She remained relatively mobile right up until the last year of her life. However, she needed help with everything, as she would go out and get lost and couldn’t cope with remembering to take tablets and dealing with paperwork and bills. Anything that required a reasonable mental capacity was too much for her.
Look into financial support
To help cover the costs, your parent can apply for an Attendance Allowance, which helps with extra costs if your parent needs someone to help look after them. It is not means-tested and pays out between £68 and £102 per week, depending on the level of care required. For more information, visit https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance
If you care for your parent for more than 35 hours per week, you could also be eligible for Carer’s Allowance, which pays out around £76 per week.
For more information, visit https://www.gov.uk/carers-allowance
If your parent has a disability or a specific health condition, other types of support may exist. For more information, visit https://www.gov.uk/browse/benefits/disability
Address your own emotional needs
Caring for your parent can affect your emotional health, leaving you overwhelmed, frustrated, and isolated. Acknowledging your feelings and seeking emotional support from friends, family members, and professionals is essential. Talking through your emotions can help you gain a better perspective and lower stress levels. Regular exercise or a hobby purely for your enjoyment is a good idea. Even if time is limited, try to do something enjoyable for yourself at least once a week. Exercise was the key to helping me manage the demands of looking after my mum. I found running was a great stress-buster – even a 15-minute jog around the block would make a difference.
Don’t try and do it all on your own
As carers, we often try to handle everything. However, it’s crucial to ask for and accept help, whether it’s from friends, family members, or professional careers. Getting help doesn’t have to be a sign of weakness. It shows that you prioritise your health and your elderly parent’s well-being. If you don’t care for yourself, you can’t take care of your parent, so don’t feel bad about asking for help. If you find that family members won’t or can’t help, then don’t give up. Support can come from unlikely sources sometimes. Maybe there are local people in the area who can sit with your parents occasionally or help with some shopping? I hired a cleaner for my mum, who was also very compassionate. She would go in and clean twice a week but also ensured Mum looked well and was washed and dressed. If there were any potential issues, she would call me immediately. Having her support meant that another person was visiting my mum regularly and keeping an eye on her.
Establish a routine
Having a set daily routine can help create a sense of stability and predictability for both you and your parent. It can help establish meal times and medication schedules and plan visits from family and friends. If your parent is showing signs of dementia or has been diagnosed with a form of dementia, they can be easily confused by sudden changes of plan or different environments. A routine will work best for your parent.
Look into Meals on Wheels
If your parent can’t or won’t cook, and you can’t always be with them, maybe Meals on Wheels would be a solution. My mum was living on chocolate and cigarettes and losing weight, so I arranged for her to have Meals on Wheels. Her health improved when she began getting regular, nutritious, hot meals every day. To find out if you can access Meals on Wheels in your area, visit https://www.gov.uk/meals-home
Embrace technology
Advancements in technology have made caring for our elderly parents more manageable than ever before. You can use medical alert systems, medication reminders, home automation systems, and communication technologies to keep track of your parent’s well-being.
Consider using professional carers
Sometimes, the best option is to hire professional carers to provide your parent with the necessary care. They will be trained to address your parent’s specific needs, providing you with the peace of mind you need to carry out your other responsibilities. Ensure the agency you use has a good reputation – you can check their ratings on the Care Quality Commission’s website. Type in the name of the home care agency you intend to use, and you can read a detailed report of their performance. You can also use the website to search for a home care agency in your area. For more information, visit https://www.cqc.org.uk/
More Information
Christina Collison is a writer, editor, and founder of Dementia Help magazine, a free digital publication offering advice and support to carers looking after a loved one with dementia. To sign up for your free copy, visit https://dementiahelpuk.com/dementia-help-magazine/