Moving Places and Breaking Cycles – Viktoria Höller

The Women Who Came Before

There are women who inherit silence.

Women who are taught early that survival means shrinking yourself, staying agreeable, and never questioning the systems built around you. In many families, these lessons are passed quietly from one generation to the next until they begin to feel normal, almost invisible.

For generations, the women in this family lived within those expectations. Their lives were shaped not by their own choices, but by the decisions of men and the rules patriarchy placed around them. They were expected to subordinate themselves, remain agreeable, and avoid stepping out of line. Leaving a marriage, pursuing higher education, or building an independent life were not things women in the family dared to imagine.

The writer describes these expectations as a kind of inherited “default setting” passed from mother to daughter over time: be nice, be pretty, do not act up, and never step out of line. It became a survival strategy for the women in the family, one rooted in keeping peace and enduring quietly.

Yet beneath that silence, there was also resilience. The women in the family carried enormous responsibility while rarely receiving recognition for it. They kept households functioning, held families together, and managed life behind the scenes, all while existing within systems that refused to fully value them.

The Women Who Quietly Resisted

The writer’s great grandmother stood out as an early example of quiet resistance.

When she decided she wanted a driver’s licence, her husband tried to stop her, likely because it represented a level of independence uncommon for women at the time. She ignored his objections, became the only woman in her driving course, and outperformed all the men.

For the writer, that determination became symbolic of the women who quietly challenged expectations even when the world around them resisted change. She believes her great grandmother’s strength deeply influenced her mother.

Her mother grew up watching what happened to women who were forced to abandon themselves in order to survive. She also witnessed the devastating impact those expectations had on her own mother, a woman who ultimately took her own life because life within a patriarchal system had become unbearable.

That experience shaped the way her mother approached life, relationships, and motherhood itself.

“In the end, it is always a strong woman who decides enough is enough.”

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Starting a Revolution of Her Own

Her mother became the first woman in the family to break away from those cycles.

She ended a toxic marriage, challenged the favouring of men within the family, and made the difficult decision to leave environments that no longer served her or her children.

That decision meant constant movement.

The writer recalls growing up without what many people would describe as a stable home. They moved often, sometimes before she had fully settled into a new place or formed lasting friendships. At the time, it was difficult to understand why her mother kept uprooting their lives.

But over time, those experiences shaped her understanding of resilience, belonging, and family itself.

She learned that home is not always tied to one physical place, but to the people who remain present and dependable through periods of uncertainty. She also learned to adapt to unfamiliar environments without becoming afraid of change.

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Understanding Her Mother Differently

Looking back now at 21 years old, the writer sees her mother differently.

Her mother had her first child at 25 after meeting the writer’s father at just 16 years old. Reflecting on her own experiences with difficult relationships, the writer recognises how young her mother truly was while navigating motherhood, university, and the pressure of impossible expectations.

“To be frank, most of the time I still feel like a child trying to figure out life.”

With maturity came understanding. What once felt like instability now looks more like survival, courage, and refusal to repeat destructive patterns.

“I would never blame my mother for seizing the earliest and easiest opportunity to escape a dysfunctional environment,” she explains. “I understand her now and moreover I am glad she got, not just herself, but us out of there.”

The writer also reflects on the impossible standards placed on mothers compared to fathers. Society often demands perfection from women while excusing behaviours from men that would never be tolerated in mothers.

“A ‘bad’ mom is still an exceptionally good dad.”

Despite the challenges, one thing remained constant throughout their lives together: they always had each other.

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Education, Independence and Breaking Expectations

That understanding became even more significant when the writer reached the stage of deciding her own future. While she once considered choosing an apprenticeship instead of pursuing higher education, her mother strongly encouraged her to continue studying.

Her mother had once paused her own biology degree after becoming pregnant, but she never let go of the belief that she would return to education one day. Despite raising children, managing financial pressures, and coming from a working class background without academic privilege, she eventually returned to university after the birth of her second child and completed a Bachelor’s degree in sociopsychology.

For the writer, watching her mother return to education became one of the clearest examples of perseverance and self determination.

“The title ‘mom’ can be a part of you but must not define you as a whole.”

Her mother’s journey shaped the way she now approaches independence, ambition, and identity. Today, the writer studies political science and journalism and communication science at university, supported by a mother who continues encouraging her to pursue her goals fully and unapologetically.

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More Than Just a Mother

The woman she once viewed only as a parent has become something much more layered over time.

“To me, my mom isn’t just a parent,” she writes. “She is someone my friends ask to bring along when we go out – she is someone who is never afraid to speak up against discrimination – she is my biggest fan – she is my favourite compliment, when being told I look like her.”

And above all else:

“She is the most amazing woman I know.”

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A Message to Mothers Starting Again

The piece closes with a message to mothers who feel unsupported, overwhelmed, or uncertain about whether they are doing enough. Especially those who have had to begin again more than once.

“If you try your best, your child will feel and know that you do, no matter what age they are. I know because I did and still do.”